I’m a single lady in her late twenties, and fortunately, I have never had to experience my parents going through any grave marital relationship problems from the day I was born. I’ve always heard and read about the difficulties of spousal conflict from a distant spectator’s chair; to me, it’s almost like some kind of scary tale being told to me just so I would be careful with choosing my relationships, and pitch in with my family’s relationships so they won’t go awry.
Last year, I saw marital conflict from up-close. My second-eldest brother Trevor and his wife Lorraine (who also happens to be a close friend of mine), after many months of fighting and arguing, decided to call it quits. They have two beautiful kids, my nephew and niece aged five and three, respectively, and I always served as their “Aunty Nanny” whenever their folks had to go somewhere. It broke my heart, and I tried my best to reassure the kids that their parents still loved them, despite the breakup.
I won’t go through the grisly details of why my brother and his wife decided to break their lifelong commitment, but I will share some bits of learning that I picked up as a third person witnessing it happen to two people I happen to care deeply about:
Taking Sides Is a No-No
Even as they draw the borders between them and start rallying their allies, now is not the best time to take sides. This is important, especially if both people in the relationship are dear to you. Make both parties understand that you love them, and would not like to make it worse by hurting the other person’s feelings, especially at this time when they are particularly vulnerable.
This bit of advice was harder to execute than I thought. I wanted to be a comforting presence to both, my brother being family and Lorraine one of my oldest friends, but there is that risk of alienating the other. I just did what I could, made no judgements on who is right or wrong, and did my best to keep their children occupied with good thoughts and attention-consuming activities. I kept on being their Aunty Nanny, and that helped in lightening their loads even just a bit.
Refrain From Giving Advice
Even if you’re a divorce lawyer or a marriage counsellor, you shouldn’t be all too enthusiastic on giving either of them advice on how to go about things or even try to counsel them on their relationship. This might seem counter-intuitive, but understand that you are personally involved with both parties, and it is quite difficult to quell your emotions and offer them unbiased, sagely counsel.
Perhaps the only advice you could give is to have them seek impartial, expert advice from experienced and qualified professionals. Given that I have never been married, and I had no training or experience in these things, I just directed my brother to one firm a divorcee friend of mine recommended, Gower & Bluck.
Be a Good Listener
Right now, these two people are hurting, and often times, all they need is someone who will listen to them and give them some comfort. As I have mentioned above, you have to do your best to remain as neutral as possible, but this doesn’t exclude the idea of being there for them. Be forthright and open with the fact that you are there for both of them, so neither of them will feel betrayed because you are also listening the other person.
You also don’t have to be taking on the topic of the broken relationship with them all the time. Do something fun and time-consuming so as to take their mind off their troubles, even for just a little while. There are thousands of ways to spend quality time with people; you have no excuse.
If All Else Fails, Distance Yourself
There are particularly troublesome pairs that can’t stop lamenting over their relationship, or worse, use other people to get to their partner in some negative way. If you feel that you are just being used as a pawn to somehow get back at the other person in the recently broken relationship, it is best to start putting distance between you and the offending half. Remind them that you still care for them, but you will not be made into a tool to hurt the other party.
About the Author
Stacey Thompson is a professional writer, marketer, entrepreneur, and a lover of weird little animals. She is based in San Diego, California, and maintains a blog with her gal pals, Word Baristas.
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